The best mean jokes

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
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More jokes about: marriage, doctor, wife, husband, mean
It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A more true Friend you will never find.
Vote: has 85.67 % from 39 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: poems, friendship, money, mean
Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A: Beat it. We're closed.
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More jokes about: vulgar, mean, dirty, business
My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
Vote: has 83.88 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, wife, religious, mean
I was wondering why air is so polluted. Then I remembered people saying "Love is in the air". Now it makes sense.
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More jokes about: love, mean
It's Halloween and when the man answers his door, there's a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says "Trick or treat". The man's a bit confused so he asks the boy what he's dressed up as. "I'm an IRS agent", says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.
Vote: has 81.69 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Halloween, men, accountant, mean, kids
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day. "Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag." "That was very kind of you," Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought." Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."
Vote: has 80.35 % from 11 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: friendship, Valentines day, wife, work, mean
"Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?" "My name is Paul."
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More jokes about: family, mean
An IRS agent is lying on his psychiatrist's couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him. "Nonsense", says his doctor. "Everyone in the world doesn't hate you. Everyone in the United States, perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."
Vote: has 80.35 % from 11 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: accountant, doctor, geography, mean
Q: What would it be a good idea for you to do after a man takes your wife? A: Let him keep her!
Vote: has 78.80 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: wife, men, mean