The best marriage jokes

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing. Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
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I’ve been happily married for ten whole years. And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
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Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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Girl to fiancé: ‘When we’re married I want to share all your troubles and worries.’ Fiancé: ‘But I don’t have any troubles and worries.’ Girl: ‘I know, but we’re not married yet.’
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Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? A: Her wedding cake.
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Wife to husband: ‘My mother says I should never have married you. She says you’re effeminate.’ Husband: ‘Compared to her everyone is.’
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A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
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Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that, as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
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