An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.
Knock Knock. Who's there! Ice cream! Ice cream who? Ice cream if you don't let me in!
My Chinese friend died recently, So Yung.
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. “This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.” The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. “This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.” An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “What do you think of this?” The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “THIS TASTES LIKE PISS.” To which the old drunk replies, “That’s right, now guess how old I am.”
A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?" "Africa," says the parrot.