Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong. He won 7 Toure De France's on DRUGS! When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle.
A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, “What size?” He says, “I don’t know.” She hold up a finger and says, “That big?” He says, “Bigger.” She holds up three fingers and says, “That big?” He says, “Smaller?” She holds up two fingers and he says, “That’s it.” She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, “Medium.”
Doctor (to the patient: "Did I not give you the medicine yesterday? Did you take it?" Patient: "Yes, sir. But I did not drink it." Doctor: "Why?" Patient (Pointing to the bottle): "Because it is written on the label: 'Close the cork tightly and keep it in a cool place.'"
Have you heard about the new "Mint flavored birth control pill" for women that they take immediately before sex? They're called "Predickamints".
Charlie Sheen can achieve recovery by taking a drug called Chuck Norris.
Cocaine is Addicted to Chuck Norris.
I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ... 20 years old and mixed up with coke !
Charlie Sheen is a drug, it will melt your face and kill you. Chuck Norris had two 8-Balls of Sheen and is now suing for false advertising.
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms. "That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk. "What are the eight cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging." "Tax," replies the clerk. "Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."