As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up:
Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.
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Q: Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?
A: He got Avogadro's number!
Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na
Q: What do you get when you complete science class?
A: A graduated cylinder.
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Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
My mother in law's farts are so horrible that I can rent her to governments for using instead of chemical weapons for destroying their enemies!
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A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Little Johnny was a chemist.
Little Johnny is no more.
What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
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Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.