What's long, hard, and shoots sticky white stuff? A penis. What were you thinking you clean minded bastard.
What is it? Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one. The Pope has one but doesn’t use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Bush is one. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. Liberace never used his on women. Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. Cher claims that she took on 3. We never saw Lucy use Desi’s. What is it? The answer is: "A Last Name..." You didn’t think I’d tell you a dirty joke, did you?
Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A: Beat it. We're closed.
Patient: "I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?" Doctor: "You’ve had an accident involving a bus." Patient: "What happened?" Doctor: "Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Give me the bad news first." Doctor: "Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them." Patient: "That’s terrible! What’s the good news?" Doctor: "There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."
Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, “You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.” “Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?” “Back to back.” “But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.” “Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt shitty even the mouse. Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass. When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter. When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell. He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night."
I'd have a comeback for that, but all my come's backed up in your throat.
A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm. He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"
Hey babe, I'd like to take it your rack! High five!
A blonde pick ups her dress from the dry cleaners, when she leaves the Cashier says, "Come again!" Bonde said, "Nah..It was ketchup this time."
What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.