Q: What kind of doctor does a duck visit?
A: A Ducktor.
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A guy walks into a tavern.
As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later.
So the guy asked the bartender for a drink.
The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."
"Okay," said the guy.
He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it.
Poof.
Out came a genie.
The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks.
A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared.
In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks."
The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"
A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
An old man tells his psychiatrist that he is already very old and he has committed during his life many sins.
The psychiatrist wanted to help him, so he has asked him: "And how long are you with your wife?"
The man answered: "45 years."
The psychiatrist said: "Don´t have the fear, because after your death you will be surely added to the sufferers, sleep well."
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Yo momma is so poor the ducks throw bread at her.
A duck, a pigeon, and a chicken all walk into a courtroom...
The judge asked the duck, "What is your crime?"
The duck responds, "I was blowing bubbles in front of City Hall."
The judge says, "There's no crime committed here, you're free to go."
The judge then asks the pigeon, "What is your crime?"
The pigeon responds, "I was also blowing bubbles in front of City Hall."
The judge looks a little confused but finally says, "There's no crime committed here, you're also free to go."
Lastly, the chicken walks up to the judge, and the judge asks, "What is your crime?"
The chicken, first looking back at the pigeon and the duck, then turning to the judge says, "I'm bubbles."
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.”
"Do you want a room with or without a view?"
Doctor (to an absent-minded patient): "What is wrong with you?"
Patient: "I am losing my memory. Please prescribe some medicine."
Doctor (Handing him the prescription after a while): "Here, Take this."
Patient: "Why are you giving me this prescription? I am perfectly all right."
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are having dinner.
Trump orders a steak, and Putin orders the roast duck.
The waiter, however, gets their plates mixed up.
Trump does not wait, but rather just starts digging in.
"Wow," Putin says. "Your hands make my duck look bigger."
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