Joke #13422

One day little Jonny was at his house asleep until he heard his parents arguing and his mom called the dad a "bastard" and the dad called the mom a "bitch". So little Jonny asked, "dad what does bitch and bastard mean?" Then his dad said it meant "ladies and gentlemen." So the next day little Jonny was upstairs in his room until he heard his mom moaning. He walked into their room and the mom said "feel my titties" and the dad said "choke on my dick". Little Jonny asked, "dad what does titties and dicks mean?" So his dad said "coats and jackets." Then it was Thanksgiving and they were having family over for the day and Little Jonny went upstairs and heard his dad say "shit!" Because he had cut himself. And Little Jonny said, "dad what does shit mean?" So his dad said "it means wiping shaving cream off my face." So little Jonny went back downstairs and his mom was in the kitchen stuffing a turkey and she yelled: "fuck!" So little Jonny asked, "what does fuck mean?" And she said "stuffing the turkey." Then the doorbell rang, and Little Jonny opened the door and said: "hello bitches and bastards put your titties and dicks on the coat racket, my dads, upstairs wiping the shit off his face and my moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

Two kids were talking together. First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands." Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy touch something soft and downy?" First: "Yes, of course." Second: "Those are my daddy's testicles."

During a lesson little Johnny yawns extremely wide. Teacher tries to make a joke: "Johnny, don't swallow me." He replies: "Don't worry, teacher, I don't eat pork."

The wife and I had come to town to pick up a few things. We came out of one store and saw a cop writing a ticket for illegal parking right in front of us on the curb. So we asked him nicely to give a couple of retirees a break. But he paid us no attention and kept writing. Just loud enough for him to hear, my wife said, "What a Bozo." The cop looked up, stared at my wife, then started writing out another ticket. I said, "Honey, this guy probably just learned to read and write, and he's so proud of himself, he's showing off." The cop tore off the 2nd ticket and started on a third. We kept making comments and he kept writing tickets till he was up to about half a dozen. Finally, glaring at us, the cop left, and we walked on down the street. We didn't care about the tickets. We always take the bus into town, and anyway, that car was one of those obnoxious Hummers. Being retired, we always try to find ways to keep ourselves amused. We feel it's important.

Two Italian men get on a bus... They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A priest asks Johnny if he's scared of Satan. Little Johnny says "I have nothing to be scared of you are the one that must be scared; you talk crap about him every Sunday..."

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick". Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats". On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using. Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey. Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating." The teacher says, "No, I said, fascinate." Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life." The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate." Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."

A man gets the words 'I love you' tattoed to his penis. He goes home and shows his wife. His wife says, "Don't try to put words into my mouth!"

Little Johnny was at school one day, when he noticed that there was a large crowd of kids gathered around Little Billy. Little Johnny walks up to Little Billy and says "Hey what's all the excitement about", Little Billy says "Just showing everyone my new watch". Little Johnny goes "Wow, that's a cool watch where did you get it?" Little Billy says "Well, I walked in on my mom and dad having sex over the weekend, and my dad was so mad he gave me spanking and sent me to my room". The next day, he feel guilty about what he had done and went and bought me this cool Watch. This gives Little Johnny a good idea. Later that night, when Little Johnny was sent to bed, he stayed up listening and waiting for his mom and dad to go to bed. Once he starts hearing noises coming from their room he runs down the hall, throws their bedroom door open, and yells "I want a watch!" His dad looks over to Johnny and says "Well okay, but sit in the corner and be quiet!"

Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A: Beat it. We're closed.