If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.
Q: How does every black joke start? A: With the white guy looking over his shoulder.
What's blue and thrashes about on the floor? A baby playing in a plastic bag.
What is the difference between a fridge and a kid? A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.
What has more brains than a dead baby? The wall behind it.
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones? Because they're hand made.
Mother, "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother, "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick, "What school?"
How do you fit 500 babies into a phone booth? With a blender. How do you get them out? Nachos - make a dipping and snacking motion.
How are a lawyer and a prostitute different? The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''