Three women sitting in a bar having a drink.
Their boyfriends are all named Georgie.
One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them.
The first one says "I'll name mine 7-up because he's seven inches and always up."
The second one says "I'll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me."
And the third one says "I'll name mine Jack Daniels."
The others say "Hey!
That's not a softdrink that's a hard licker!".
She says "That's My Georgie!!"
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A drunk staggered down the main street of the town.
Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional.
After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition.
"You got any paper on your side?"
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone else left the bar and drove off.
Finally, the fellow started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy"
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish.
He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish."
The fisherman looks around and says, "Well, we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole damn lake into beer".
*POOF* the genie grants his wish and leaves.
His partner slaps him on the chest and says, "What the hell did you do that for, now we have to piss in the boat!!"
My wife's face is green.
The room is now pink.
I think she yelled at me,
"That's your 21st drink!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.
One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.
The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly.
"This is no place for a member of my congregation.
Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her.
When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.
'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'.
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar.
She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK.
Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight.
He didn't seem disturbed at all.
(Whew! Got away with that one!).
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."