My uncle is very mean. I went round the other day and found him stripping the wallpaper. He wasn’t redecorating, he was moving.
Being poor has its advantages. For example your keys are never in your other trousers.
About 4,000 years ago: God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!" Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
"Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years."
Chuck Norris doesn't have an ATM PIN – the machine just spits out cash – at every bank!
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000." The client asked, "What? How's that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."
My wife and I have a joint account. I deposit money and she withdraws it.
The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.
Chuck Norris has never received an electricity bill, he powers everything with his rage
If Asda is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the shop free yet?
A prominent lawyer calls a plumber to fix a leak in his shower. After about 25 minutes the plumber hands him a bill for $200.00. The lawyer, enraged, says: “I’m a famous trial lawyer, and even I don’t make that kind of money for 25 minutes work!” “Neither did I when I was a lawyer”, says the plumber.