John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. He looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says: "Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...." John inscribes the words in his heart. At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say. 'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? " "I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...." The widow screams and faints. "What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says: "You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git."
When Viagra first came out my wife and I decided to give it a go to see what all the fuss was about. I popped the pill and waited the 15 minutes and then it was on for young and old. We timed the performance to the minute and it all finally subsided at 3 hours and 17 minutes. I asked the missus what she thought and she simply stated that she couldn't understand what all the hype was about for an extra 17 minutes...
One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit. He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts. Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"
Just heard someone bragging about his one night stand. Whatever mate, I've got two night stands. Either side of my bed.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Theres this girl,she is five. She goes spying on her big sister and she hears her cussing out her boyfriend and she says,"you mother fucking asshole!" Just then jill, thats the little girl,interrupts them talking and blurts out, "Big Sis,what does asshole mean? The girl surprised by the question,says BOYFRIEND! Okay , so the girl runs off onto the bathroom. Jill sneaks up on her dad while he was shaving and says boo! THE dad says "Shit!" So the girl ask her dad "What does shit mean?" And he stammers "Shaving cream". So she said okay and went about her day. Jill then runs into her mom, who was in the kitchen cutting the turkey. Her mom is startled when Jill comes in, cuts her hand, and says "Fuck!". So Jill ask "What does fuck mean momma?" And scramblimg for an answer, her mom says "cutting." All of the sudden, they hear the door. Jill answers and sees her Dads boss at the door. He ask "Sweetie, do you know where you everyone is at?" And she says, "Well, my sister’s talking to her asshole, my Moms fucking the turkey and my Dads wiping the shit off his face."
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
A 7-year-old boy and a 40-year old man are walking together in a dark forest. The young boy says, "I'm afraid..." The 40-year-old man replies," You're afraid?! I have to walk out of here alone!"
A woman heads to the doctors office for her usual checkup. While there, the doc notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it, "Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sex." The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of a Y and inquires about it,"Oh, my boyfriend is really into wearing his Yale sweater during sex." The next day, another woman comes in, again, for a simple checkup. This woman too has a rash on her chest, and the doctor, catching on with the trend, asks,"So, Does your boyfriend go to Wisconsin?" The girl replies, "Nah, but my girlfriend goes to Michigan."
Little Sally came home from school with a proud smile on her face. She told her mum, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today." Before mum could raise a concern sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut..." With a secret smile mum asked, "Was it really small?" Sally replied, "No... really salty!"
A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.” The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.” On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, “What happened to you?” The man said, “No one showed up.”