Q: What do u call a police officer that works in bed?
A: A undercover cop.
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What must a policeman have before searching a rabbits home?
A search warren.
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences.
After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I’ve got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He’s still wriggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker says okay and signs off.
About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what’s the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
A black guy and his black girlfriend are in a car. Who's driving?
"The cop!"
Vote:
What Not to Say to a Policeman:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.
Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.
The question is do YOU know why you pulled me over?
I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.
If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.
It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!
A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding.
As he was giving her the ticket, she said, “How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning?
Is it my face?”
“No, ma’am,” explained the officer, “it’s your foot.”
A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed.
She could see the light was on from the bedroom window.
As the man looked for himself he saw that there were people in the shed taking things.
The man phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in the area to help him at that time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.
"Hello" he said, "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works.
Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you shot Them!" The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"