Q: Whats the difference between a box full of dead babies and a cadillac?
A: I don't have a cadillac in my garage.
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"My son, this is your senior year at school so your mom and I decided that you’re going to be a doctor."
"But what are you saying dad? You know very well that I’m not in a position even to... kill a mosquito."
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Guy having sex says "damn bitch, there should be a law against sex this good."
To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy..."
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A bunch of new recruits are making their first parachute jump.
The sergeant gives instructions: "After you jump out of the plane, count slowly to 10.
Your parachute will automatically open.
If it doesn't, pull the emergency cord.
When you get to the drop zone, there'll be trucks waiting to take you back to the base.
Move out!"
As scared as they are, they all make it out the door.
The last recruit jumps out and slowly counts to 10 -- nothing.
He frantically fumbles around and finds the emergency handle.
He jerks on the cord, and it comes off in his hand.
Raising his head to the heavens, he screams, "I bet them trucks ain't waiting either!!"
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Anyone want to try the ALS gas bucket challenge HMU.
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Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A: A pedophile.
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Q: How do you make a cat go ‘woof’?
A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.
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Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons?
A: They're a bunch of no bodies!
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My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.
I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..."
"That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
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Why would the cannibal only eat babies?
He was on a diet!
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Q: What do you call the ashes of a white person in a jar?
A: A jar of mayonnaise.
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