Joke #8519

Q: What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker soldier tomato? A: "You better catch up!"

Chuck Norris can press "Pause" on reality.

You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass. You know what that means? You Matter.

Coworker: Can you help me with this project? Me: The short answer is no. Coworker: What's the long answer? Me: Nooooooo.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

How do you describe an angry potato? Boiling Mad.

Always be yourself! Unless you can be Batman - then always be Batman

I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

Bruce Lee didn't die from an allergic reaction. He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore.

Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. "Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said. "Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"