One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register. He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor. "I’m sorry," said the mayor, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'... I took her to a petrol station...
Marriage is bit like having a meal at a self-service buffet: you get exactly what you want, but when you see what another man’s got on his plate you fancy a bit of that as well.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
Why can't single women fart? They don't get an asshole till they get married.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?" Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!" So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!" And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"