The best phone jokes

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart. Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple. The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
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More jokes about: black humor, old people, doctor, phone
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…
Vote: has 79.04 % from 132 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, health, math, phone
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11... a suicide.
Vote: has 78.80 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, cop, phone, death
Phone a friend and tell them you're a doctor, and you're very, very sorry, but you did everything you could to save their... then pretend that the connection dropped out. Wait a couple beats, then give your deepest condolences. Then hang up.
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More jokes about: phone, doctor, death, health
Q: How do you know when you are stoned? A: When you are too phoned to stone home.
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More jokes about: weed, phone
After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents.
Vote: has 78.59 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: wife, air force, phone, money, computer
Women are like telephones. They love to be held. They love to be talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you're disconnected.
Vote: has 78.44 % from 300 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: women, phone, love
Chuck Norris can answer a missed call.
Vote: has 77.50 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, phone
How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus? Don't worry, they'll let you know.
Vote: has 76.91 % from 68 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: IT, technology, phone
Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Vote: has 76.83 % from 73 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: IT, phone