Chuck Norris can kill you as many times as he wants to. He knows CPR.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11... a suicide.
Phone a friend and tell them you're a doctor, and you're very, very sorry, but you did everything you could to save their... then pretend that the connection dropped out. Wait a couple beats, then give your deepest condolences. Then hang up.
Q: What's a hipster's favorite profession? A: Mortician. All of his work is 6 feet underground.
Q: What's the difference between death and taxes? A: Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.
You are so old, if you to acted your age, you'd die.
A bus carrying nuns crashes over a cliff , all are killed! They all line up at the pearly gates and ST peter stands there with his book. He calls the first nun up and says "Have you ever touched a penis" ,she replies "I only ever touched one with my index finger." He says "Well give one hell mary and dip your finger in the holly water and go throught the gates." He calls the second nun and says "have you ever touched a penis." She replies "I did touch one once with my left hand." He says "well give three hell marys dip your hand in the holly water and go through the gate." Next thing a nuns comes running through all the othere nuns knocking this over and pushing all the othere nuns out of the way. ST Peter says "What's all the hurry?" The nun replies "Well I would like to gargle before sister mary dips her arse in the holly water."
When I die, I wanna go like my grandpa... peacefully... sleeping... unlike the passengers in his car.
In "I Am Legend", Will Smith survived alone for years. 24 hours after a woman shows up, he dies. AND that girl stole his bacon.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.