If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
Did you hear about the transvestite who wanted a night on the town? He wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.
Worst way to ask for anal: "Aww come on...I bet my dick is tiny compared to some of the shits you've taken!"
The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"
Even the story of Sir Walter Ralegh confirms that he put his brand new coat over bumps with mud for his wife to cross it. Why? Because he was on sea for 15 months and he desperately wanted to have sex. No normal man that is well in his brains would do this to his expensive coat.
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?" "Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose." "Wow, what does it look like after sex?" "Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat.
A guy arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find his lover in bed with a young, handsome boy. Just as he was about to storm out of the house, his lover stopped him with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about:" "Driving home, I saw this young guy, looking poor and tired, I offered him a ride. He was hungry, so I brought him home and fed him some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. His shoes were worn out so I gave him a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. He was cold so I gave him that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. His trousers were worn out so I gave him a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as he was about to leave the house, he paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your lover doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"
Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say when clients are leaving? A: “Thanks for coming!”
In year 1272 Arabics invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In year 1873 the British somewhat reinvented the condom by taking it out of the goat first.
A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks. Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began. After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, "I have a problem. It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favour." Heidi replied, "Okay," to which he asked, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?" Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged. The guy then asked, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?" Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her. Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man." Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes. Finally, the guy said to Heidi, "Do you mind if I call you Phil?" Heidi had now become very dejected, and said "No, I guess not, you can call me Phil." So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted "Phil, you'll never believe who I'm fucking!"