A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
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She was so rich she even had monograms on the bags under her eyes.
Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash.
"Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender.
"Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for it.
He paid the fee and approached the hulking doorman.
With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike cold.
Triumphant, Tony stormed into the bar's backyard.
The patrons listened to the pit bull's ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical yelps.
Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony reentered the saloon and yelled:
"Two down! Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"
A couple are arguing over money.
‘Do you know,’ says the man.
‘If it weren’t for my money this house wouldn’t be here at all.’
‘Yes,’ says his wife.
‘And if it weren’t for your money neither would I.’
A wife tells her husband while watching a Mexican TV series:
"Look, how much he loves her…"
"Yes. But do you know how much he's being paid for that?"
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.
"What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
Q: How is a boss better than a wife?
A: A boss at least pays you for making your life miserable.
Vote:
An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child.
A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician.
After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:
"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills.
She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.