Joke #2794

The judge asks the murderer: Why did you kill that old lady? For money.. But you got only 20 cents Yes, but killing five of them would already make a dollar.

First cannibal: "I can't find anything to eat!" Second cannibal: "But the jungle's full of people."  First cannibal: "Yes, but they're all very unsavory."

What did the cannibal say when he was full? I couldn't eat another mortal.

What's blue and thrashes about on the floor? A baby playing in a plastic bag.

My grandfather can no longer do the things he loved to do as a teenager. Flying planes, bombing Germans...

So a little kid and a child molester start walking into a forest. They keep walking for what seems like hours, and it gets darker and darker and darker, and the forest gets deeper and deeper and deeper. The kid turns to the child molester and he says "Gee mister, it sure is scary out here!" The child molester says "How do you think I feel, kid? I'm gonna have to walk out of this forest by myself!"

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!" St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Q: Where did OP go in the explosion? A: Everywhere.

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life. The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies. He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened. The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes. The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black? The golf pro said that they did paint them into black robot caddies, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

Q: What is the difference between baby and knitting? A: Knitting is weaved by two needles and one ball, but the baby has been made with one needle and two balls!