We call my father-in-law the exorcist.
Every time he visits he rids the house of spirits.
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A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road.
Eventually a cop pulls him over.
"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A man was in a bar one evening, when a drunk wandered over, shouting at the man "I pulled your mum just now!" the sober man just ignored him and carried on drinking.
About half an hour later the drunk wandered over again.
This time he said: "Your mum just gave me a BJ and swallowed" again the man ignored and carried on talking to his mates.
Soon the very drunk man wandered over and shouted at the poor man: "I just fucked your mum, using every posistion possible."
Eventally the man bored of this idiot, turned around and said "Go home dad, you're drunk."
He doesn’t like to drink.
It’s just something to do while he gets drunk.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & d*ed.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."
A doctor is speaking to a patient after an examination, ‘There are two reasons for your poor health, it’s entirely due to drinking and smoking.’
‘That’s a relief,’ replies the patient.
‘I thought you were going to say it was my fault.’
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer.
As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing.
Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes.
As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him.
He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman.
The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!
A male driver gets stopped by police, and is asked: "Have you been drinking?"
The man replies: "Okay, yes, I have... how did you know officer? Was I swerving across the road, or speeding?"
"No sir," replied the policeman, "...nothing else can explain that fat ugly woman sitting next to you."