Using a credit card is a convenient way to spend money you wish you had.
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage. They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.
What’s the difference between a pigeon and a tramp? The pigeon can put a deposit on a Porsche.
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!
A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when there was a knock on the door. He opened it, and saw nobody, so he closed the door and went back to his paper. There was another knock, so he opened the door again. This time, he looked down and saw a small snail. "Mister, could you spare some change?" the snail said. The man picked up the snail, threw him into the bushes, and went back to reading. A year later, there was another knock at the door. It was the snail. "What'd you do that for?"
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. On his first week, the collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf and dumb collector. The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf and dumb collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The dumb man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the dumb collector. "Now ask him where the money is!" The interpreter signs, "Where is the money? The deaf man signs back, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. ' You should give that money to charity,' said the shopkeeper. 'No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!'
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."