A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" Wife says, "I would take half and leave you". Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here a fiver now f*ck off!
Did you hear about the man who got a vasectomy at Sears? Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man.
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.” The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey? He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son? Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Five Important Qualities 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.
Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.