A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
What's green with red spots? A frog with the chicken pox!
Question: What do you get when you cross a shark and a parrot? Answer: a creature that talks your ear off.
Q: What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? A: ‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat? A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater? Claws.
Did you hear about the man who named his horse Radish?
Q: Why did the lion brake up with his girlfriend? A: Cuz she was a CHEETAH!
Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes? He liked a good croak and dagger.
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."
Who would win in a fight between a bear and a lion? Answer - neither, Chuck Norris would beat them both with a single round-house-kick.