"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money." "Why do you say that?" "Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage. They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!
A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter. The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said, 'Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.' He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked -- the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did -- and all the rats drowned. He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said, 'Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?' 'Nope,' replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!'
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? "How many can you afford?"
Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin? A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Q:How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road? A:With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honour.
I dated a lawyer until she said, ‘Stop, and/or I’ll slap your face!’