A man goes to the confessional.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest. 
My wife was dying.
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "Theres something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright."
"No I must die in peace. I had s*x with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"
"I know," I whispered "Thats why i posion you, now close your eyes!"
An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.
The doctor says, ‘We have three possible donors.
One is a young, healthy athlete.
The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.’
‘I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,’ says the patient.
‘Why?’ asks the doctor.
The patient replies, ‘It’s never been used.’
*My dad helping me find a gf*
Dad: What do you want most in a woman?
Me: My dick.
*Grounded and high fived*
Once there was a farmer.
He had two teenage sons.
This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death.
He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one.
This farmer also had two ducks.
These ducks were retarded.
They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal.
He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college.
The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could.
The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard.
The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks.He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it.
He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success.
The second son was walking and passed a whorehouse.
He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck.
One girl said fine.
After they f**ked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore.
The son said he would take the duck back if they f**ked again.
She agreed.
After they f**ked the second time, the son left.
He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash.
The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car.
The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely.
The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck.
She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.
When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got.
He proudly displayed the 10 dollars.
The farmer was impressed.
He asked the second son the same thing.
"That's nothing.
I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and 25 dollars for a f**ked up duck."
A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back.
When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back.
The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."
The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back.
The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor.
The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
Pupil: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
Teacher: "Of course not."
Pupil: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."
Calling for information about one of my credit cards, I got the following recorded prompt: "Please enter your account number as it appears on your card or statement."
I did as instructed, and the system said, "Please enter your five-digit ZIP code."
After I put that in, I got a third message: "If you would like your information in English, press one."
Vote:
Four nuns were attending a baseball game.
Four men were sitting directly behind them.
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."
Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Missouri, there are only 75 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Texas, there are only 50 nuns living there."
The fourth guy said, "I want to go to Maine. There are only 25 nuns living there."
The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don’t you go to hell, there aren’t any nuns there!"
I had to get rid of my husband.
The cat was allergic.