Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Chuck Norris.
Q: What animal could Noah not trust? A: Cheetah.
You know the movie, Alien VS Predator? Well it used to be called Alien VS Predator VS Chuck Norris, but no body would pay to see a fight 7 seconds long.
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years." The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "Food cold!" the man replied. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "I quit!" said the man. "Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"
The Playstation Network is down because Chuck Norris unplugged his PS3.
Chuck Norris invented the question mark... so he could say the sentence "Do you want to die slowly of fast?"
They wanted to put Chuck Norris's face on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.
Chuck Norris doesn't break bricks. They fold under pressure.
A magician had landed a comfortable job on a cruise ship. His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot who would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying "Big deal, the cards up his sleeve." or "He put the ball in a hidden floor, the big faker!" One night the ship began to sink and while confusion reigned, the magician was just barely able to get to a tiny life boat with his beloved parrot. For two days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas. Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the craft just staring at the magician. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot screamed ‘"kay, I give up… where the hell did you put the god damned boat!"
Yo' Mama is so fat, she uses a mattress for a maxipad.