Best jokes ever

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on. SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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More jokes about: marriage, time, technology, travel
How did Barack propose to Michelle? He got on one knee, pulled out a ring, and said "I don't wanna be obamaself."
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More jokes about: marriage, political, wedding, marriage
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: On average or do you want the whole distribution?
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More jokes about: math
Q: Where does a general keep his armies? A: Up his sleevies.
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How did they know that the driver had dandruff? They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
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More jokes about: black humor
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections. One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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More jokes about: marriage, kids, wife
Yo mama so loose...when she walks down the street her pussy claps!
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More jokes about: Yo mama, insulting
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
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More jokes about: women
What do sick cannibals have for breakfast? Vitamin bills!
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More jokes about: black humor, food
Why is it so sad that Steve Jobs died? Everyone at Apple are crying their's out!
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More jokes about: IT, death, celebrity