The best death jokes

The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position". The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
Vote: has 75.90 % from 75 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, sex, marriage, husband, death
Q: What is a redneck's last words? A: Hold my beer and watch this!
Vote: has 75.62 % from 33 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: redneck, death, beer
A white man walking down a beach kicks up a lamp, with hope he rubs the lamp. Sure enough a genie pops out, and says, "I will grant you 3 wishes but be warned every black person in the world will get double what you wish." After a thought he says he's got it. "My first wish is i want a million dollars." Genie "your wish has been granted and every black person now has 2 million dollars." Man "Ok my second wish i want 10 thousand acres Genie.." Granted but every black person in the world now has 20 thousand acres. "And now you have but one wish." "The man replies with my final wish... i wish you to beat me half to death."
Vote: has 75.28 % from 180 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: racist, genie, black people, money, death
If the Earth turned 30 times faster, we would get salary every day, but women would bleed to death...
Vote: has 75.19 % from 48 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: women, death, time
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."
Vote: has 75.15 % from 170 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sport, funeral, wife, death
A rattle snake bit Chuck Norris in the leg and the snake died instantly!
Vote: has 75.00 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, death, Chuck Norris
Little Johnny was a chemist. Little Johnny is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Vote: has 75.00 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: little Johnny, little Johnny, chemistry, death, stupid
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year.
Vote: has 74.97 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, death
Chuck Norris kills 100% of germs.
Vote: has 74.97 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?” Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
Vote: has 74.97 % from 128 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: lawyer, death, heaven, money