Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they'd be alloys.
As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up: Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Q: What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe
Two chemists go into a restaurant. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" - and he died.
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist? A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
Q: What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together? A: CSI