How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants a man to satisfy their every little need. A man wants all the women to satisfy their one and only little need.
A man sits on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him notices and asks what is wrong. He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh. The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You f**king bitch, you ruined my life.'"
Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
Husband admiring his body in the mirror says to wife "look at that, 14 stones of pure dynamite !" Wife replies "yeah, shame about the 2 inch fuse..."
How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
Boy: "Hey baby, what's your sign?" Girl: "Do Not Enter!"
Men and women were created equal but women continued to improve.
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A rumor.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.