Joke #3539

Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall? A: It depends how hard you throw them.
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For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
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A doctor and a lawyer are involved in a car crash. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is a little shaken up, offers him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, has a drink and hands back the flask. The lawyer puts it in his pocket. ‘Aren’t you having one yourself?’ asks the doctor. ‘Sure,’ says the lawyer. ‘But I’ll wait till after the police leave.’
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Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start!
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A young lawyer says to ones of his colleagues: -A lawyer is the freest creature in the world. He’s not dependent of nothing except of his clients, his colleagues, judge and of the High Court...!
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A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."
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Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer? "Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
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Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer." "Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!" God replies, "You better send them up here immediately." Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them." God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you." Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and a drunk are in a bar when they spot a hundred pounds on the floor. Who gets it? The drunk – the other three are mythological creatures.
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A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry. He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, “Asshole attorneys”. The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying “I want you to know I highly resent that remark”. “Why, are you an attorney?” “No, I’m an asshole.”
Vote: has 76.89 % from 35 votes. Send joke:

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