When I see you, there's a Ruthian blast in my pants.
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Superman is faster then a speeding bullet.
Chuck Norris just runs Superman down and keeps going.
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A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.
Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system -
"Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee".
He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.
The Voice again - "Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!"
He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,
"Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot"!
Chuck Norris holds the world record for most push ups done in a hour, the number is all of them.
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Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong.
He won 7 Toure De France's on DRUGS!
When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle.
From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom`s the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweee-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, your drunk!!
Hahahahaha wot a fucking LAUGH!
Yo Mama so fat when Flash tried to run around her he died before he got half way.
Q: What do you get when a dinosaur scores a touchdown?
A: A dino-score.
The stock market really plummeted today, but luckily there is a computer chip that is used to turn off the board if it gets too low.
The Cubs have the same chip in there scoreboard.
How did the blonde die icefishing?
She got run over by the zamboni!
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it.
Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."