Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Depends on how clumsy you are.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
How many Wall Street protesters does it take to change a light bulb? None, they can't change a thing.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-1. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Opportunity. Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"