I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I'm going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg. That'll blow his little mind.
What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth.
Chuck Norris once uppercut a horse and that is how the giraffe was created.
What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!
How should you treat a baby goat? Like a kid.
On a famous TV game show a blonde contestant needed only to answer one more question. One simple question stood between her and the Ł1.000 prize. "To be today's champion," the show's host smiled, "name two of Santa's reindeer." The blonde gave a sigh of relief because she had been given such an easy question. "Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and... Olive!" The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!'" "You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
A blond a, a brunette and a redhead were at the top of a cliff looking down at the beach. Suddenly a genie appears to them and says "I will grant you each one wish if you'll jump off the side of this cliff." So the redhead jumps off and shouts "Seagull" and turns into a seagull and flies away. Then the brunette jumps off and shouts "Whale" and turns into a whale, falls into the sea and swims away. Finally the blond runs towards the cliff edge, but trips at the last second, as as she falls she shouts out "Shit"
Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they’d break.
Why did the rabbits go on strike? They wanted a better celery.
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck, "Water".