"I like to watch the World Series. Here's what I do. I sit down and drink a few beers in my underwear and scream at the TV. That's until they throw me out of Applebees." Dave Letterman
When I see you, there's a Ruthian blast in my pants. High five!
What games do ants play with elephants? Squash!
Who was the last person to box Rocky Marciano? His undertaker. Golf
Why do golfers wear two pairs of trousers? In case they get a hole in one!
Why is basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
The other day was Take Your Daughter To Work day. The Cubs had a fun time, played a little scrimmage against their daughters. Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.
The stock market really plummeted today, but luckily there is a computer chip that is used to turn off the board if it gets too low. The Cubs have the same chip in there scoreboard.
There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving one day. So he went to the deepest part of the beach, got on his gear, and went underwater. He decides to go down 20 feet, and there he sees another guy with no equipment on. The man thought this was strange but we forgot about it and went down another 20 feet. There, he sees the same guy down there with no gear on. But the man decided to forget about it and go down another 20 feet. When he does, he sees the same guy 60 feet underwater with no gear on. Finally the man writes a note asking this guy how he can go so deep underwater without any gear. The guy writes back, ''Because I'm drowning, asshole!''
It's the 7th game of the Stanley Cup Finals. At the beginning of the game, a guy sits down in his seat and notices an empty seat and another gentleman next to him. "Can you believe it?" the man says to the gentleman, "It's game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals and there is actually an empty seat! What's up with that I wonder!" The gentleman speaks up and says, "Well, you see the seat belonged to my wife. We went to the games together." "Where is your wife? The man asks cautiously. "She passed away," said the gentleman. "Oh, I'm sorry, you could not get anyone else to come to the game with you?" said the man. Said the gentleman with a slight smirk "No, they're all at the funeral."