What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.” The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.” On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, “What happened to you?” The man said, “No one showed up.”
What type of pussy does a priest get? Nun.
Ghosts actually have their own kind of tv. The show that scares them the most is called "Chuck Norris Caught On Tape".
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11... a suicide.
A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril. He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well." The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."
How come the village Guy Fawkes won the Nobel Peace Prize? Cause he was outstanding in his field.
My life may be a mess but I know the difference between "Your" & "You're"-
When you give birth to a great idea at work, your boss should give you 2 weeks of maternity leave.
Agony: a one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.