You WILL be a winner today.
Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
A mother found out she was pregnant and told the good news to anyone who would listen.
One day when mother and son were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
‘Yes!’ the four-year-old said.
‘And I know what we are going to name it, too.
If it's a girl we're going to call her Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!'
Anxiety: Getting up to see why the baby isn’t crying.
He: So then, what's your sign?
She: Dollar.
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance.
The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.
"Shit!" says the ant.
"One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
A man walks into a bar and says "I just got back from the battered woman's shelter, and boy are my arms tired."
Everyone laughed.
The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone.
He was proud of the fine craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter's pantry, regardless of what others may think.
She was so blonde that she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
"Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearing tights!"
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it.
Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog.
They were astonished and said: "What a clever dog!"
But the man protested and replied:
"No, no, he isn't that clever.
I'm leading by three games to one!"