Q: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? A: A great place to start.
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once, I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!
Did you hear about the idiot who put ice in his condom? He wanted to keep the swelling down.
Teacher: You boy, what’s your name? Boy: Mickey Jones. Teacher: We’ll call you Jones here. We don’t use first names. Boy: My dad won’t like that – he takes offence if people take the Mickey out of my name.
Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows? He wanted to be very clear!
A Detroit-area woman who was removed from a jury for commenting about the ongoing case on Facebook has a longer writing task ahead: a five-page essay about the constitutional right to a fair trial. She responded, "Can I just get the answer from Wikipedia and send it to the inbox on your Facebook page instead?"
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone. "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."
What do computers do when they get hungry? They eat chips!
When you were in the gang then, you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough. Someone started talking about fighting -- 'No, man, I've got to go home.'
When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.