Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips.
After playing the first hole I turned to him for some advice and all he said was "loft".
So after the next 4 holes I asked him again and all he said was "loft"
Now we're done with the round and I asked him why after each hole all he would ever tell me was "loft"?
To which the pro relies "loft" - "Lack Of F*cking Talent" 
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school.
What happened when the shark became famous?
He tured into a starfish.
Lisa needs brain surgery and figures its easier to buy a new brain.
She asks the doctor what he has on sale.
"Well you're in luck I have two in stock, a man's brain for $1000, and a woman's for $100."
Surprised she asks why the price difference?
"Generally women brains run cheaper because they come to us used!"
If you really want to loosen your pectineus, you should skip the squats and let me stretch them out.
Q: What do you call a family full of cancer patients?
A: Jason Voorhees' relatives.
Q: What do bleached blondes and airplanes both have in common?
A: They both have a black box.
Yo mama is so poor that she has to take the trash IN.
Q: Which side of a deer has the most meat?
A: The inside.