Q: What is the difference between Cheerios and Georgia Tech? A: Cheerios belong in a bowl.
A lawyer with insomnia consults his doctor. ‘Which side is it best to lie on?’ he asks. ‘The side that pays your fee,’ replies the doctor.
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
They put one man on the moon. Why can’t they put them all there?
Husband: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
A man walks into a bar with a alligator. He says to the bartender, ‘Do you serve lawyers here?’ ‘Sure do,’ replies the bartender. ‘Good,’ says the man. ‘Give me a beer, and a lawyer for my ’gator.’
Yo' Mama is so stupid, it took her an hour to cook instant rice.
Dick’s family were very poor – when the wolf came to the door, they ate it.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? 'Cause the cow's got the udder!
Q: What does a plumber need to know about his job? A: Sh*t runs downhill and payday is on Friday.