Q: Why are men like diapers? A: They are always on your ass and full of sh*t, and thankfully, they're disposable.
A Woman asks a Waiter What is this fly doing in my Ice cream? The waiter says, "SHIVERING MADAM".
Chuck norris farted in a ditch and the grand canyon was created.
A group of blondes was going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day, I am going to dial 911 and call the cops!"
A wife to her husband: "Honey, what are you doing?" "I'm reading our marriage certificate." "What for?" "I'm looking for the expiry date..."
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
Yo momma's so stupid when her son said break a leg, she really did.
Yo momma’s so ugly, they put her face on box of laxatives and sold it empty.
I wouldn’t say Harry was mean, but last Christmas Eve he fired a pistol in the garden and told the kids Santa had committed suicide.
What kind of a car does a proctologist drive? A brown Probe!