There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Yesterday I saw a man trying to chat up a cheetah. ‘Hello,’ I thought. ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
I drink to steady my nerves. Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Q: What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? A: De-calf-i-nated.
A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave. "Excuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing", said the guy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
He drank so much beer that when he ate a peanut you could hear the splash.
Three guys are riding in their truck while drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
What's the difference between a man and a messy room? You can straighten up a messy room.