I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Q: What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? A: De-calf-i-nated.
Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
He drank so much beer that when he ate a peanut you could hear the splash.
Three guys are riding in their truck while drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
What's the difference between a man and a messy room? You can straighten up a messy room.
Jesus saves. But wouldn’t it have been better if he had invested?
How is cat food sold? Usually purr can!
We were so poor the only way I could afford to get my suit pressed was to ride the subway during rush hour.
Q. What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW? A. Divorcee'