Q: Why was the farmer arrested at the gym?
A: He was destroying his calves.
Passing an office building late one night, a little Johnny saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.”
He did so, and after several minutes he heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The old, uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
“Well,” he snarled at the kid, “what do you want?”
“I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it for yourself…?”
Vote:
Little Johnny was in bible study one morning. Sally was sleeping in front of johnny.
The teacher asked Sally who our Lord and savior was.
Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a pin and she screamed "Jesus Christ!"
And fell back to sleep.
A little while later the teacher asked Sally who created our world.
Johnny poked her in the butt again and Sally screamed "oh my god!"
And fell back to sleep.
Later the teacher asked Sally what Eve said to Adam after they had their fifth child.
Johnny poked her in the butt and Sally screamed "if you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it!"
Vote:
A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator.
On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
When Chuck Norris was 5 he threw a paper airplane.
It landed yesterday.
Vote:
One step forward, 12 floors down.
Vote:
Woman to doctor: ‘Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.’
Doctor: ‘And what are you taking for it?’ Woman: ‘Pepper.’
Yo' Mama is so fat, local night clubs had to put up signs that read, "Maximum Occupancy: 240 or Yo' Mama."
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: Clothes.
Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another.
The elephants were connected trunk to tail.
They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them.
Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000.
B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?"
Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each."
B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!"
Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."
Vote: