Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"
Q: How do you know when a women's about to say something smart? A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
One day Stan comes home from a hard day at work. He sees his wife bending down to clean the floor under the sofa. So Stan goes over to his wife and starts fucking her from behind. After he finishes, he gives her a hard smack to the head. His wife yells, ''What was that for!?'' To which Stan replies, ''That's for not checking to see who it was.''
Willow Smith is 11 and has a tongue ring, half her head shaved and is bisexual. She needs to go live with her Aunty and Uncle in Bel-Air.
Chuck Norris told his iPhone 2g it was a iPhone 4. He can now multi task and use face time.
The organizers of the concert complain to the conductor of a choir: You were supposed to bring a mixed choir, but I can see only men here. But it is a mixed choir – half of them know how to sing, and the other half- do not.
Do you know why your mother is called Egypt? Because every time she shits she leaves a pyramid...
Your mama's teeth are so messed up....i thought her tongue was in jail!
What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller? A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!