Kryptonite is ancient Latin for Chuck Norris
Yo mamma’s so fat that if she wants to go piss the toilet would break!
How many L.A. cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six. One to do it and 5 to smash the old bulb to smithereens.
How do you know if a man is lying? His lips are moving!
Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat? A. Because he was pissed off!
How do you keep a blonde busy all day? Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
A lawyer opens the door of his BMW. Another car speeds by and hits the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrive, the lawyer is complaining bitterly. ‘Officer, look what they’ve done to my car!’ he whines. ‘You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick,’ replies the officer. ‘You’re so worried about your stupid car, you haven’t even noticed your left arm was ripped off!’ ‘Oh my God!’ replies the lawyer. ‘Where’s my Rolex?’
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire? Sure. Here you are. Thanks - but half the pages are missing. What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?