Q: What is a turkey's favorite dessert? A: Peach gobbler.
Q: If marriage is terrific what is divorce? A: Ten thousand!
Q: What would it be a good idea for you to do after a man takes your wife? A: Let him keep her!
Q: If Bigamy is having one wife too much, what is Monogamy? A: The Same!
Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters? A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
Q: What kind of money do elves use? A: Jingle bills!
Q: What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class? A: I don't know, but there's probably a hipster close by.
Phone a friend and tell them you're a doctor, and you're very, very sorry, but you did everything you could to save their... then pretend that the connection dropped out. Wait a couple beats, then give your deepest condolences. Then hang up.
"I have the body of an athlete." "Better give it back. You're getting it out of shape."
Chuck Norris can skydive into outer space.