A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.
He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her.
When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."
So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.
So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"
A guy and his wife went to an expensive golf course.
He said to his wife, "Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window."
His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house.
He said, "Oh no! We had better go ask how much it's gonna be."
So he and his wife go up to the house and see the door open.
They went inside and saw the golf ball lying next to a broken glass bottle.
A man walks up and says, "Thank you!"
The husband said, "I'm sorry about the..."
And the man interrupts, "Oh don't worry about the window. I have to thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see, I'm a genie. So you get one wish and your wife gets one, but, in return, you have to give me one."
The husband asks for $100 million.
The genie says, "Done."
The wife asks for 80 exotic sports cars.
Genie says, "Done."
"Now, my wish is to have sex with your wife because, you know, I've been trapped in that bottle for so long."
They agreed since their extravagant wishes had been granted.
And so the genie has sex with the man's wife, not just once but many times.
When they're done, the genie asks the wife, "How old is your husband?"
She answers, "33."
And, the man said, "And he still believes in genies?"
A 64-year-old lady never had any kids, so she went to her doctor and asked if he would help her with in-vitro fertilization.
He said, "You're a little old, but I guess we could give it a try."
A few months later she got pregnant.
She invited her girlfriends over to see the baby, and they all very anxious to see the baby boy. The newly mother said, "why don't we just talk awhile."
As time went on, her friends asked again and again where is the baby...
She said, "We never get a chance to talk, and here is our chance to catch up!"
Finally they insisted on seeing him.
She said, "Well, we'll just have to wait until he cries before you all can see him."
The women were puzzled.
And she said, "I don't remember where I put him."
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood."
The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash come sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Man: "How old is your father?"
Boy: "As old as me."
Man: "How can that be?"
Boy: "He became a father only when I was born."
A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place".
But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here."
The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK".
St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.".
The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!".
St Peter said, "We go by billing hours".
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.
Knowing his wIfe loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.
He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam!
Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.
Shazam!
Instantly he turned 93 years old.
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peacekeeping mission.
During a briefing on landmines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
A family was having some people to dinner.
At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.
Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"